Time Wasted

Wrote this today!::::::

It was the usual weather: cold, as if it were below freezing, no sun in the sky, just grey fluff clenched together, squeezing the life out of another.  It seemed as the world was black and white, the colors didn’t exist, it never brightened the day, brightened everyone’s emotion.  Society continued with their lives, with the stoic expression the clouds oppressed upon.  Everyone was cold, just like the weather.

            I bounced lightly on my toes as I blew warm air to my frozen fingertips.  I waited patiently for her to open the door, something I never did.  She was the only girl that never pushed my buttons, so I felt it was unnecessary to pound on her door like I would to others.  She opened her door to peek outside.  She smiled, the widest grin I’d ever seen.  “Hey!”

            I smiled back, trying not to chatter my teeth.  “Hi.”

            She widened the door as I leaped inside to the comfy warm environment.  So much for having an apartment in the “okay” part of Oakland, it looked like a smaller version of a grandma’s house.  It was pleasant, comforting, a place no one would want to leave.  “What’s up?”

            She shrugged.  “Not much, just, getting through.” She tucked her thick brown hair behind her ear as she nodded.  Her hazel eyes met her chestnut rug and she chuckled.  “Freezin’ out there.”

            I nodded. “Damn right-”

            She grew hysterical, interrupting my response.  “You’re wearing a t-shirt and shorts!  Of course you’re freezin’!”

            I shoved my hands into my pockets and sniffed the snot that almost ran out of my nose.  “Don’t do that sweatshirt and jeans shit.”

            She shook her head.  “Ryan o Ryan, you haven’t changed a bit.”

            I laughed. “What? I don’t!”

            Her voice softened, along with her sweet eyes, as they pierced into mine.  “No I’m serious. You guys got so big, and I think you’ve stayed true to yourself, well, besides Amadeus, but no one really knows him.  I’m proud of you.”

            I tried to control my pale cheeks from turning a rose.  I cleared my throat as I brushed my black hair back.  “Thanks.”

            She smiled, but quickly jumped in surprise.  “Oh, I just brewed some coffee, want some?”

            “Never thought you’d ask.”

            She nodded and dashed to the kitchen.  “Sorry for asking you to bring Ellie’s papers.”

            “No it’s cool.  Where is she anyway?”

            She slowly walked into the living room where I stood, with the two coffee cups.  She handed the white mug to me.  “At my friend’s house.  She’s grown so much.”

            “I bet.”  I sipped the bitter coffee, which made my body jitter with joy.

            “Oh, I never asked if you took it black.”

            “No I do.  It’s perfect.”

            She nodded.  “So, how’ve you been?”

            I folded my lips.  “Better, I’m better.”

            “Really?”

            I paused.  I always told myself I was better, but was I really emotionally? “I don’t know, I keep feeling this guilt that I can’t shake.  Everyone tells me that it’s okay, that everything’s gonna be okay, so why do I feel so shitty?”

            She sighed as she put her coffee on the table and rested her palms on her thighs.  “You’re gonna feel that, no matter what.  You went through hell, so of course you feel that way.” She paused.  “I heard about your mom.  I’m sorry.”

            “It’s whatever.”

            She bit her bottom lip and gazed towards the ground.

            I hated to admit it, but she was right.  There are no excuses for what I did to the ones who were my brothers, the girl I thought was the world to me.  I took everything everyone worked their lives for and smothered it under my humongous feet, squishing it until it was no more, just goo resting in the cracks on my boots.  I couldn’t forgive myself, as I was surprised to see that they forgave me.  But I put myself in the lowest of low, and tried my all to climb out of the deepest pit, but I continued to slip, tumble to the bottom, where I’d imagine the liveliest creatures, keeping me company, lifting my spirits, then abandoning me when I needed them the most.  I would fall back into the pit just to see them again, to make my life meaningful.  It wasn’t until one night, when I tried to climb up into reality, I slipped again, but when I fell, I landed on my back, wiping out my conscience, and I was left in there, left to starve, left to die.  I vowed, when reality pulled me out, to never even look at that pit, because I would wind up slipping on a rock and tumbling down the pit again.  I hated living in that fear.

            I cleared my throat.  “Have you talked to Leo?”

            She snickered and rolled her eyes.  “Why would I do somethin’ like that?”  I didn’t respond.  “He’s still with that skank?”

            I nodded hesitantly.  “Yeah.”

            She frowned.  “I usually don’t hold grudges, but I don’t think I’ll ever bring myself to forgive him.  I was there for him from the start, always by his side, taking care of his sister while he played gigs with you guys, took care of her when you guys made it.  Then he repays me by fuckin’ that tramp!”  I sat quietly.  She sighed.  “I don’t know, I just can’t leave Ellie on the street…He, he just has a lotta nerve, that’s all.”

            I put my coffee on the table and leaned forward.  “Hey, I know.  You know I can’t stand that bitch—”

            “It’s not entirely her fault—”

            “I was talkin’ about Leo.”  She giggled.  “But I’m not gonna lie, he really misses you, he doesn’t even wanna be with her anymore.”

            She leaned back into the couch.  “Bullshit.”

            “No really.  I hate that bastard, but he really wants to talk to ya, maybe not as a boyfriend, but as a friend.”
            She stared deeply into my eyes and smiled.  “Why do people see you as this awful person?  You’re the sweetest guy, under all that talk you give.”  I started to blush again.  “I’m surprised we never ended up together.”

            The nerves I felt all around my body tingled with confusion, but excitement.  My mind was controlled by my heart, as I leaned closer to her.  Our lips locked, as this gesture felt so right that everything else in the world was wrong.  She jumped, pushing my shoulders away from her.

            “That wasn’t supposed to happen.”

            I gulped; I thought it was.

            She ran her fingers through her hair and exhaled.  “I think we’re just tired of being alone, that’s all.”

            I focused my daze to the rug as I folded my lips.

            I could feel her pupils on my forehead, trying to seep through my complex mind to see my thoughts.  “…Or maybe it’s something else.”

            I looked at her, confused by her comment.  “What?”

            She grinned.  “Who is she?”

            “I don’t know who’re—”

            She rolled her eyes.  “Come on Ryan.  I’m not stupid.”

            I froze, stuttered, then sighed.  “She always fucked with me like a toy, then we started to get to know each other, and I don’t know, I can’t stop thinkin’ about her you know?  She’s always in my mind, and I hate her for that.  Then I get outta rehab, and she’s, I don’t know, she’s been there for me, more than anyone has.  I hurt her, I mean, I hurt her badly, but she’s still willing to forgive me, to start all over.”

            She paused.  “Who is it?”

            “…Reiko.”

            It was as if everything slowed.  Her expression slowly expanded to where the air kept inside exploded in excitement.  “Reiko!?  You hate Reiko!”

            “Nevermind.”

            She laughed.  “No, no.  I’m sorry…this makes sense now.  You kissed me, because you’re afraid of falling for Reiko, well, clearly you’ve already done that—”

            “Shut up!”

            “What you have!  Nothing to be ashamed of.  It’s so cute!”

            I snarled.  “Whatever.”  I sighed quietly.  “Sarah, I’m sorry—”

            “Don’t even worry about it.”  She paused.  “You’re my friend, and no matter what happens, we’ll stay that way, aiight?”

            I smiled.  “Yeah.”  I glanced to her digital alarm clock near the kitchen and noticed the time.  My eyes widen as I rose from the couch.  “I should go.”  I handed her Ellie’s papers.  “Here ya go.”

            Sarah smiled.  “Yeah.”  She grabbed her papers and pushed herself out of the soft couch.  She walked to the door.  “Call me okay?  You can tell me about Reiko.”

            I snarled once more.  “Yeah right I would.”  She opened the door to let me outside in the cold atmosphere.  The deadly breeze gushed to my bare arms and legs.  I pivoted to Sarah, teeth chattering.  “Hey, call Leo aiight?”

            She smiled.  “Okay, once you get a jacket and longer pants.”

            I paused.  “Fine then.  See ya.”

            She closed the door, and the cool wind hovered around my body,  I held my arms together, as I felt the emptiness of the weather again, that cool weather that make hearts just as cold, that weather that makes everyone just as emotionless.  I rushed to my car, so I wouldn’t let the weather get the best of me.

gingerrsnaps:

AND then CRACKERMAN!